Is our healing a chemical thing, or about information received? How you approach the medicine makes all the difference.
Several years ago, I was in the midst of divorcing a psychopathic deviant. It was such a bizarre situation, I felt I had to understand how I got myself into that relationship and ensuing fuckery that was even crazier than we’re seeing with Trump and his followers. I needed answers and desperately needed to be able to think straight after being severely gaslit and suffering symptoms of PTSD. I received clues that the dynamic in my marriage was similar to a totally unknown situation in my very early childhood that was repeating itself in my marriage. Unbeknownst to me, I had been receiving some clues from my aunt and uncle every Thanksgiving and Christmas recounting stories about me as a two year old. I was in a desperate spot, was being alienated from friends family clients, etc and needed answers.
A friend suggested meditation. I had been deep in the Christian church and really knew nothing about meditation. Then, when flipping open the Bible to read to my children, the verse was about meditation. And then meditation came to my attention from a third source. I took these as signs it was something I needed to try, so I sat my ass down, closed my eyes, and got to it.
Very soon after, I had a cool experience. Whilst meditating, I saw an image of me losing my shit while I was on the phone with my ex about a situation where she wasn’t taking care of our children. I connected with my body, noticing my heart rate was increasing and my throat tightening. As I described these physiological responses to myself, I received a download - my overreaction was about a mother neglecting her children, which triggered a repressed memory of my own childhood neglect. When I received this insight, my mind opened up and vision became noticeably more acute. This particular triggered was cleared, and the benefit was so significant that I knew I was onto something.
My path took me next to yoga, which I had heard was conceived of to deepen our meditation. It functions similarly, in that when we bring ourselves to a relaxed state and connect to our bodies, we can receive downloads and insights. The clues were in my body, and I had another tool to find them.
My body was extremely clenched up, and I began taking magnesium to relieve the cramps. I dosed up until my BM’s got a little too loose, then backed off. I noticed my dreams really took off, which I later learned was a thing. Further evidence that receiving these insights was about relaxing my body.
Meanwhile, I’m still getting my ass kicked by my ex and the flying monkeys. I was fighting a battle on multiple fronts with no resources. I had no money for expensive therapies, so I had to rely on these other traditional techniques. I began having a series of dreams that were showing me the way. They led me to transitioning from residential to Commerical real estate, were my ex couldn’t fuck with my client relationships. My success was immediate and on a bizarre level, and it provided me with a way to earn a living. At the time, I was $70k in debt, four months behind on my rent, and at the early stages of what wound being a four year custody battle with the most expensive and aggressive law firm in Dallas.
I then made my way to a vipassana meditation retreat - ten days, silent nine of the ten days, meditating for ten hours per day. We started out focusing on our breath. I asked myself “why breath?” The answer I received is that it’s the gateway between the conscious and unconscious mind. We transitioned to focusing on the sensation on our upper lip. After about fifteen hours of this, I could feel the cellular level vibrations. When we started scanning our bodies on the afternoon of the fourth day, I felt I had been dipped in a vat of boiling acid. I sat with it, breathing into the sensations, which mostly cleared in about an hour and a half, and my body opened up. I was then able to sit in the full lotus position, whereas I hadn’t before.
The signs, symbols, and synchronicities continued to lead my way, and I was learning to pay attention to where my energy was leading me. Things were starting to line out. But I knew I needed to excavate information about early childhood to which I had no other source than myself. Intuitively, I knew mushrooms were the only way I could uncover the mystery as there was no way I could have had any cognitive memories of the situation at such an early age.
I had a couple of pseudo recreational experiences with friends on camping trips, and laughed my ass off. I was releasing repressed joy. At one point, I laid in the grass, closed my eyes, and saw fractals. I knew the eyes closed thing was something I needed to explore.
During the second trip on a camping trip, our experiences were so overlapping that it created confusion. I knew I had to do a solo trip, but had a lot of questions about set & setting. Did I need a guide, should I be in nature, etc.? Then one night I woke up and knew it was time to launch. Though I didn’t know at the time, it turns out it was a full moon night. I dosed at 3:00 a.m., crawled back in bed, closed my eyes, and watched the show. It was an amazing experience I now refer to as my epic trip. While the aforementioned healing modalities/sources of information were like working with a pick axe ⛏, I now had TNT 🧨.
Working with the medicine alone in my bedroom, receiving these insights was the way I met my spirit guides, healed myself, recovered my mind, figured out who I am at the soul level, and found my path forward. It took three years before I even got to the childhood stuff, as it seems I had a lot to learn first. So much information had been awaiting me, much of it stored in my body in the form of energy I’d clenched up on. After about 80+ high dose trips in what I later learned was a shamanic set & setting, my guides said to me “your healing is complete.” Now, the only information I receive is for the benefit of others.
Reflecting back on my path, and the information I received during these shamanic journies, it’s clear to me it was more than about relieving my own trauma. I had to come to understand how the whole thing works. It’s about letting go of trying to use our rational minds to solve our problems, unclenching our bodies, moving energy with our breath, receiving insights, and acting on the information we receive.
It’s NOT a chemical thing, and how you approach it makes all the difference.
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